The Princess Rules Read online

  First published in Great Britain in three separate editions:

  Princess Florizella by Viking Kestrel 1988, Florizella and the Wolves by Walker Books Ltd 1991 and Florizella and the Giant by Walker Books Ltd 1992

  This edition published in hardback by HarperCollins Children’s Books in 2019

  Published in this ebook edition in 2019

  HarperCollins Children’s Books is a division of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd,

  HarperCollins Publishers

  1 London Bridge Street

  London SE1 9GF

  The HarperCollins Children’s Books website address is

  www.harpercollins.co.uk

  Text copyright © Philippa Gregory 1988, 1991, 1992, 2019

  Illustrations copyright © Chris Chatterton 2019

  Cover design copyright © HarperCollinsPublishers 2019

  Philippa Gregory and Chris Chatterton assert the moral right to be identified as the author and illustrator of the work respectively.

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this ebook onscreen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

  Source ISBN: 9780008375485

  Ebook Edition © November 2019 ISBN: 9780008339807

  Version: 2019-10-23

  For Freddie and Sebastian

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Princess Florizella

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Florizella and the Wolves

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Florizella and the Giant

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  About the Author

  About the Publisher

  Once upon a time (that means I don’t exactly know when, but it wasn’t that long ago), in the land called the Seven Kingdoms, the king and queen very much wanted a son. They waited and waited until one day the queen told her husband, ‘I have news for you. We are going to have a beautiful baby boy!’

  ‘And when he grows up he will be king,’ said the king, very pleased. ‘What a lovely surprise.’

  But when the baby came, it was not a boy. It was a girl.

  This was a big shock for the king and queen, but since they were royal they put on a smile and took the baby through the tall windows to the balcony of the palace and waved at everyone. They pretended that they did not mind that she was a girl when they had been counting on a boy, and after a little while they loved her anyway. ‘Besides,’ the king said, ‘undoubtedly she will marry a handsome rich prince, and they can be king and queen over his kingdom and ours. Undootedly!’

  ‘We’ll call her Florizella,’ said the queen. ‘Princess Florizella.’

  Though they started with good intentions, the king and queen were dreadfully careless parents. They messed up the christening by inviting everyone, so that nobody was furiously offended. No angry witches blew in and put a fatal spell on the baby, nobody turned her into a mouse. The king and queen forgot all about locking her in a high tower so that a prince could climb up her hair to rescue her, they did not forbid her from spinning, or ban her from sharp needles. They did remind her not to run with scissors in her hands, but this is of no use to a fairytale princess – it’s just normal. They did not strap her into tight gowns so she had a tiny, tiny waist that a prince could span with one hand. They did not feed her poisoned apples and bury her in a glass coffin. The queen was particularly neglectful – she completely failed to die and leave her daughter to a cruel stepmother to make her herd geese or sit in the cinders.

  They let Florizella do as she liked, and so it was partly their fault that she did not learn the Princess Rules, but grew up into a cheerful, noisy, bossy, happy girl who spent her mornings on her horse called Jellybean, and her afternoons working with them in the royal office. She particularly liked answering letters of complaint about the expense and the unimportance of a royal family. Mostly, she agreed with them. ‘We are dretfully ex-pence-sieve’ she wrote when she was six years old.

  ‘You’re never going to post it like that!’ said the king.

  ‘So sweet,’ said the queen, putting it in the bin.

  Florizella was friends with some princesses who had studied the Princess Rules, and behaved just as the Rules said they should. Florizella thought their hair was lovely: so golden and so very long! And their clothes were nice: so richly embroidered by devoted peasants. And their shoes were delightful: so tiny and handmade in silk! But their days bored her to death!

  In the morning, they got up, washed their faces and put cream on their cheeks and on their hands and on their noses. Then it was time for breakfast. They drank hot water and sometimes green tea. The Princess Rules were clear about breakfast: ‘Princesses live off air,’ the Rules said. They got dressed, and that took them hours because they wore petticoats and underclothes and beautiful gowns and overgowns and even those tall pointy hats called henins. By the time they got all that on, and did their hair, it was lunchtime.

  In the afternoon, they were too tired to do anything but pluck their eyebrows.

  In the evening, they said they were bored.

  ‘What do you do all day?’ they asked Florizella, looking in bewilderment at her. She wore trousers and a shirt for riding, and a skirt or a dress for best.

  ‘I’m learning how to run the Seven Kingdoms when I’m grown up,’ she told them. ‘I’ve got a lot of ideas.’

  ‘Ideas!’ They were all quite horrified. ‘We don’t have ideas! We have the Rules.’

  But Florizella thought that everyone should live in the size of house that they needed. So families with lots of children, or who had friends living with them, should have the biggest houses, and small families should have the smaller houses.

  ‘Actually, that sounds rather sensible,’ said the queen, who was sick of dusting the 134 royal rooms of the palace.

  Florizella thought that everyone should be paid whether they had a job or not. They should be paid to garden or think, to paint or run. Fathers could stay at home and look after the children, and when mothers went out to interesting jobs they could come home to a clean, tidy house.

  ‘That would never work,’ said the king, who had no intention of dusting 134 rooms, not even one or two.

  Florizella laughed and went out to canoe in the moat. ‘You know, she’s not like a regular princess at all,’ the king complained to the queen. ‘I think you must have gone very badly wrong somewhere.’

  ‘She’ll find her own way, in her own time,’ the queen said comfortably. ‘And surely, since she’s a princess born and bred, she’ll just naturally come to the Princess Rules in time? Won’t she?’

  One day an invitation came to the palace. It said ‘Princess Florizella’ on the front in wonderful curly writing. It was an invitation for a ball, to be given by Prince Bennett in the next-
door kingdom – the Land of Deep Lakes. He wanted to meet all the princesses in the neighbouring realms so that he could choose one to marry.

  ‘I’d like to go,’ said Princess Florizella at breakfast when the invitation arrived.

  The king gave the queen a look, which meant that she must start the job of telling Florizella ‘no’.

  ‘I don’t think you’d enjoy it,’ the queen said nicely.

  Florizella said she thought she would.

  The queen gave the king That Look, and he said, rather impatiently, for he was uncomfortable when he thought he might hurt Florizella’s feelings:

  ‘Thing is, Florizella, Prince Bennett will never choose you to be his bride because there will be very, very pretty princesses there, trained in the Princess Rules. And you have never been like that. Not at all.’

  ‘I know that,’ said Florizella. ‘But I’m not going there to get married to Prince Bennett. I’m going to see my friends and enjoy the party.’

  ‘Ah,’ the king said. ‘Then you may go. Undoubtedly. Undootedly!’

  So she threw a clean pair of jeans in a bag, and after lunch she hopped into the glass coach – for they had no cars and trains or buses in the Seven Kingdoms – and drove off with her horse, Jellybean, trotting behind.

  Prince Bennett’s kingdom wasn’t far from Florizella’s home, and Florizella was the first to arrive. The prince had invited one hundred and twenty-one princesses, and Florizella waited at the gate to watch them all drive past. One hundred and twenty princesses went by, some in fine carriages, some in smaller ones, and one or two in carts. One very poor princess came in a wheelbarrow. Some of them were very beautiful and some were less so, but they all desperately wanted to marry Prince Bennett. They didn’t have anything else to do in those days, and the Princess Rule no. 500 (the last) said: Marry a handsome prince.

  The one hundred and twenty-first princess, Florizella, was the only one not planning marriage. She was just there for the party.

  ‘And to eat the food!’ said Princess Florizella longingly when she saw the banquet.

  She had a wonderful time. There were tons of cakes, and three hundred different sorts of ice cream and forty different coloured jellies. There were meringues, pizzas and hot dogs. There were sticks of rock and candyfloss. There were toffee apples, and strawberries still growing in the strawberry beds that you could pick yourself and eat – as many as you wanted. Florizella ate a very good dinner indeed.

  But the one hundred and twenty princesses ate a little bread and butter and nothing more. They were worried about spilling on their best ballgowns. They were worried about whether they would be able to dance lightly on their toes. They were worried that someone might think they were greedy. (Princess Rule no. 42: Princesses Live Off Air.) Florizella worried about nothing. She had seconds and thirds of nearly everything.

  She had a much better dinner than Prince Bennett, who had to dance with every single one of the hundred and twenty-one princesses. He thought he had better make an early start. He danced with each princess, one after another, and they all smiled and agreed with whatever he said.

  They were lovely. They were the nicest girls he had ever met. They were so pleasant that he could not tell them apart. They were so charming that he had the horrid feeling that nobody could be that nice all the time. So how could he possibly know which were nice for most of the time? One or two might not be nice at all, but might just be putting it on for the party. And very sorry he would be if he married one of them! Prince Bennett’s head was spinning by the time he came and sat down beside Florizella, who was just finishing a bowl of raspberries.

  ‘Would you like a dance?’ he asked politely.

  ‘Not especially,’ said Florizella. ‘And I would have thought you might have had enough.’

  ‘Yes, I have,’ Prince Bennett said honestly. ‘I think it’s the worst party I’ve ever been to.’

  ‘Have a choc-ice,’ said Florizella to cheer him up, and Prince Bennett started to feel better.

  ‘You’re a girl,’ he said trustingly. ‘You advise me. How can you tell which princesses are really nice and which are just pretending?’

  Florizella looked around. ‘I only know a few of them. Most of them I don’t know any better than you do,’ she said. ‘The thing you have to remember is that they all have to be nice to you because it’s in the Rules. You’re the handsome prince.’

  ‘That’s just it!’ Bennett groaned. ‘How do I choose which one to marry?’

  ‘You could disguise yourself as a woodcutter,’ Florizella said helpfully, ‘and go away for seven years, walk all round other kingdoms and see if you meet your True Love.’

  ‘That’s a really rubbish idea,’ Prince Bennett said. ‘I’m not cutting wood for seven years.’

  ‘Or you could go and work as a swineherd in a royal palace and see if the princess chooses you?’

  ‘I’m not being a swineherd!’ Bennett exclaimed. ‘Do you have any idea what swine are?’

  ‘Then don’t marry anyone,’ Florizella said helpfully. ‘I wouldn’t.’

  ‘But I have to! All princes have to give balls and choose their princess and get married. Then they have to live happily ever after.’

  Florizella frowned. ‘I know people say that’s a happy ending, but they never say exactly how to do it.’

  Prince Bennett nodded. ‘Or how to do it forever after,’ he said dolefully. ‘That’s the whole problem with being a fairytale prince.’

  Then the band played and poor Prince Bennett had to go and dance with another princess, and then another and another, until the clock struck midnight and all the princesses got up at once, rushed up the stairs and limped to their beds. There were one hundred and twenty glass slippers dumped on the stairs like a jumble sale. Bennett picked up sixty of them, and then gave up.

  ‘This is getting completely ridiculous,’ said Florizella.

  That night all the beautiful princesses set their alarm clocks for six in the morning to give themselves time to get up early and find their shoes, have their baths, wash their hair and put on new dresses for breakfast.

  The next day, Prince Bennett was in the parlour waiting for them, and as each princess came in, he bowed very low and said, ‘Good morning!’

  Each princess curtsied and smiled, and said, ‘Good morning, Prince Bennett!’

  Then the tired prince said, ‘What would you like for breakfast?’

  And each princess said, ‘I don’t know. What are you having?’

  When Prince Bennett said he was having porridge, every one of the one hundred and twenty princesses gasped as if he had said something dreadful, and said, ‘Oh, no! Not for me! Just a glass of herbal tea, please! Nothing else!’

  One or two of them even said, ‘Just a glass of hot water!’ and all the other princesses looked envious that they had not thought of that, and gazed at Prince Bennett to see if he was impressed.

  So he was very glad to see Princess Florizella, who came in late because she had been out to the stables to see her horse. And he was very glad when she said at once that she would like bacon and eggs, and tomatoes and sausages too, if they had any. They had a most peaceful, hearty breakfast while, all around, the one hundred and twenty princesses sipped tea and looked beautiful but hungry.

  After breakfast, Prince Bennett asked the princess on his right what she would like to do that day. And the princess on his right said, ‘I don’t know. What would you like to do?’

  Then Prince Bennett asked the princess on his left what she would like to do that day. And she said, ‘I don’t know. What would you like to do?’

  Then Princess Florizella suggested very helpfully, ‘Why don’t we all ride down to the Deep Lakes and go swimming? We could take a picnic with us.’

  Well – some of the princesses couldn’t ride, and some of them couldn’t swim. Some of them hadn’t got trousers for riding, and some of them hadn’t got swimming costumes. Some of them were frightened of cold water, and some of them were frighten
ed of horses, and none of them would dream of eating a picnic sitting on the ground where there might be ants or wasps.

  ‘Or grass!’ one of them exclaimed.

  And they all said, ‘Grass stains! Oh no!’

  So in the end, no one went … except Princess Florizella and Prince Bennett.

  They had a lovely day.

  When they were trotting back to the prince’s palace in the evening, just as the stars were starting to come out and the sky was getting grey, Prince Bennett said happily, ‘Florizella, I’ve had the most brilliant idea. I won’t marry any of the one hundred and twenty beautiful princesses. I’ll marry you!’

  And then Florizella said something that surprised him so much that he nearly fell off his horse.

  ‘No, thank you,’ she said politely.

  Prince Bennett gawped at her. ‘Why ever not?’ he asked. ‘I am a fairytale prince, remember. And you would be my queen.’

  ‘Look here,’ said Florizella reasonably, ‘I told you I wasn’t going to marry, and I meant it. One day I shall inherit the Seven Kingdoms, and there are a lot of things I want to do there. I don’t want to come and be your queen. I’m not even sure that I think kings and queens are a good idea. It might be a lot better for everyone if people made up their own laws and didn’t have one person ruling everything.

  ‘Why should I come and live in your palace when I’ve got a perfectly good palace of my own? I’m not even planning to keep that one all to myself – I’m going to share it. Another home would just be greedy.

  ‘And I don’t want to live in your country. I’ve got one of my own. I don’t need your fortune. I can earn my own money. I’d very much like it if you were my friend, though – my best friend, if you like. But I don’t want to marry you. I’m not actually intending to marry anyone.’

  Prince Bennett rode along saying nothing for a little while. He was wondering if he really liked this new sort of princess. Certainly, she wasn’t like the normal ones in fairy tales. This was not how the Rules said it should be. Perhaps it was better for him to have a princess at his side who agreed with every single thing he said, however stupid? But then he smiled.